Right before Thanksgiving one of my siblings called requesting overnight accommodations while traveling through the Delaware Valley in late December. The only hesitation I had was the fact that he had received my letter of resignation (a.k.a. email of estrangement) to Tribe 55 in September. Part of me was mystified by his inquiry, part of me was amenable. While creating a hospitable place for family and friends has always been part of my nature, I was somewhat torn. When I say ‘hospitable’ I refer to my kind of comfort, and as I have recently ascertained, my welcoming ways seem to make siblings wary. My answer was yes and the game was afoot!
What game? A situation was underway and I was going to be prepared. Someone who has expressed that they are not interested in me or my children, that my personality makes them uncomfortable and that they can only “handle me in small doses” was coming into my home and I was determined to adjust.
He arrived. We sat down to a yummy meal. I played Eagles Super Bowl highlight videos. We had a few drinks. Played Scrabble. Some information was exchanged; he asking very little about me, and me, even less about him. I was determined to meet him at his comfort level; to not say or share anything that would have been, in my impulsive style, a path to enlightenment. I have had deeper connections with strangers. Conversation was bromidic, the energy lacked sincere enthusiasm and the visit unfolded in a purely perfunctory fashion.
It was effortless. I wondered why I wasn’t unsettled by the ease in which I was able to flat line at will. Then I realized that the modification of Amy had been in the works for some time. Much of last spring was spent in a fetal position, feeling a grief and sorrow deeper than the loss of my father or my brother. It was the soul realization that my siblings do not/cannot love me the way I spent a lifetime trying to convince myself that they do. It was the realization that to gain the acceptance of my siblings I would have to betray who I am. It was acknowledging that betrayal was not an option.
Søren Kierkegaard said, “The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” In the hours following his short, uneventful visit, I felt the loss of the illusion gratifyingly illuminative.
enlightened?
Now I’m not saying I am enlightened, but I have my moments. And often, when in conversation, these moments arise and I shed some light, give long hugs or smudge with sage… all in an effort to awaken myself and others. If I have offended you, I apologize. Let’s talk. If you are not interested in talking. I sincerely hope you have the guts to spend some time in silence.
| “Silence is so truth-telling, so illuminative, that few have the courage to face it”. James Huneker I have spent a lifetime advocating audaciousness and candor, I am just wired that way. It has taken a long time to come to terms that some of us are just fine being unaware. Some choose to walk a path that does not lead them to themselves, disconnected from their intuition. Frustrating, but the reality. I take comfort in what Unknown once said, “You cannot force someone to comprehend a message that they are not ready to receive. If you, or someone you love, is suffering in anyway, please consider finding an EMDR therapist, listening to Louise Hay, reading some Eckhart Tolle or spending fifteen minutes under a tree listening to the wind and birds. We are all in this together, no matter what kind of hairpin you are. Thanks for walking with me, Amy |
As you may know, I am phasing out of facebook and instagram. My goal is to have this newsletter and my website be the connections (enlightenment) for both of us. I would greatly appreciate you sharing this or any of my newsletters that you find relevant and perhaps suggest that your friends sign up for it. That can be done by clicking here, scrolling down and filling in the form. You can also read past newsletters here. It really would mean a lot to me. Photographs of new jewelry designs will be in the next newsletter. See you in 2019. Thanks!