As many of you know, I have been dealing with a chronic left hip/leg issue since June 2017. It has been an interesting journey as I have dodged the prescribed needles and pain killers in an effort to uncover the source and heal what ever it is that is causing so much discomfort.
Along the way I have been getting some insights. One observation is my shame around being unhealthy. It has to do with my perceived value dropping and taking with it all chances of friendship and community. Absolutely rooted in family of origin shit and possibly past life trauma.
I have also recognized that I often chastise myself far more harshly and in complete disproportion to a professed transgression. Then again, it may balance out with the occasional violation that I am blissfully unaware of and therefore, no punishment.
Retributive justice is a theory of punishment that when an offender breaks the law, justice requires that he or she suffer in return. Somewhere on my epic timeline I was punished, and suffered, far more than “fair”. When I see this behavior around me I am triggered. A friend chastising her husband, a mother scolding a child, a public figure being shamed. It makes me wildly uncomfortable.
case in point
Not that long ago I got up from a bar and sat down, uninvited, at a nearby banquette with a mother, father and two young boys. The father was mercilessly berating his sons, who were not being terribly disruptive. In fact, the fathers admonishments were more distracting. I said, "Excuse me, I have boys too. They are now much older and live in New England, and I just wanted to say you two kids remind me of them. How quickly they grow up. I hope you enjoy your dinner."
The one element of my life that I am most critical of is my responsibility as a mom.
Mom,
I’m so thankful to have you as my mother. Sure there are some things we don’t see eye to eye on, but the big stuff; respect, how to to treat others, manners and just being a decent person, I owe that to you. When Chanel tells me I’m “a good egg” I think of you. Thanks you for all the love and support. I will always look to you for guidance when it comes to showing that same type of love and support to others and myself. You may never be a Buddha, but damn if you haven’t been an awesome mom.
Love,
Will
I transformed into happy tears.
“Tears are a river that takes you somewhere… Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace better.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
“How many times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is thousands of times. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists, then that was enough; we don’t need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again. If we have a wife or husband he or she also reminds us of the mistake, so we can judge ourselves again, punish ourselves again, and find ourselves guilty again. Is this fair?”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Let's do our best to forgive each other and ourselves.
Thanks for walking with me, Amy
Any forwarding and/or sharing is super appreciated!
Wonderful words and rules to live by.
Thank you for sharing